ACCESS

>//UIB_CLEARANCE_ID_SPIRAL 

>//checking…

>//ACCEPTED. 

>//PARTIAL_ACCESS_GRANTED

SOUL STREAM

[Forum Log 113: the resting grounds]

TW: Heavy implications of suicide and suicidal ideation

Log Date: 5016U (10 years ago)

manticore77: holy shit

manticore77: you actually did it

manticore77: you hacked through my firewall

manticore77: congrats lol

honeybear: idk what im even looking at

honeybear: why are there so many docs that say “plans for castigation”

manticore77: theyre exactly what they say they are

honeybear: why does the last one just list out names

honeybear: am i looking at a fucking hit list

honeybear: am i liable by association now

manticore77: dont bother thinking like that lol

manticore77: its people the manticore code is going out to after im gone

honeybear: why are you planning for being gone

manticore77: oh

manticore77: oh honey

manticore77: i thought you knew horus

honeybear: not everything but enough

manticore77: honey

manticore77: the manticore is

manticore77: actually

manticore77: what do you think this forum is? how do you think you got access?

honeybear: idk i was fucking around and found out

manticore77: this place is called the resting grounds

manticore77: because everyone here is dead or has died or will die

manticore77: in one way or another

honeybear: oh

manticore77: i thought you knew

manticore77: because those are the only people who get access

honeybear: turns out im not as smart as i think i am

manticore77: for what it’s worth

manticore77: i was hoping you’d lose access at some point

honeybear: not there yet i guess

manticore77: you can get there if you want

manticore77: stay away from manticore code

manticore77: you seem like more of a goblin girl

honeybear: how soon

honeybear: when are your “castigation plans” happening

honeybear: just wondering

manticore77: one more month

[Forum Log 164: in the shadow of the godhead]

Log Date: 5017U (9 years ago)

honeybear: i’ve been thinking

invademerchant56: so glad you got a new hobby

honeybear: shut up

honeybear: there’s so much i don’t get

honeybear: about ra

invademerchant56: RA

honeybear: thats what i typed

horuswitchO0O: capitals are important

horuswitchO0O: also

horuswitchO0O: not getting it is the point

horuswitchO0O: well its one of the points

honeybear: i dont want to study RA im not stupid

honeybear: existing is better than not existing

invademerchant56: good

invademerchant56: you can be trusted not to attach yourself to a manticore about to blow up

honeybear: …

honeybear: yeah

honeybear: back to the point

honeybear: what is the point actually

honeybear: RA is

honeybear: there

honeybear: and that’s it unless someone breaks the rules

horuswitchO0O: exactly

horuswitchO0O: it’s perfect

honeybear: ?

invademerchant56: there’s legit no better way from them to be

honeybear: im processing nothing

invademerchant56: process less

horuswitchO0O: let me put it this way

horuswitchO0O: what would you do if you could do everything and be everything?

honeybear: change

honeybear: change myself

honeybear: change a lot of other people

honeybear: terrible people

invademerchant56: thats great and all but where does the line get drawn before everything gets changed into something else and this universe ceases to exist?

honeybear: it gets drawn when it gets drawn

invademerchant56: incredibly vague and vaguely concerning

horuswitchO0O: i get it though

horuswitchO0O: we couldn’t handle being that much and not making everything constantly reckon with that

honeybear: why do u worship RA

horuswitchO0O: not everyone here worships the godhead

horuswitchO0O: what i have is reverence. there’s a difference

invademerchant56: im just too scared to not be involved

honeybear: ??

invademerchant56: RA is there and i can’t understand but i also can’t look away

invademerchant56: i’d go insane

honeybear: so you want to be close to the god that could end everything but not too close

invademerchant56: yep

horuswitchO0O: it’s another kind of reverence i think

invademerchant56: i don’t have another word for it

honeybear: one more question

invademerchant56: no u can’t talk to RA

honeybear: i can talk all i want

honeybear: also not my question

honeybear: does RA

honeybear: care?

horuswitchO0O: enough to not change us

[Journal Logs 77-79: communion and chorus]

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

Title: i hate dreams

i saw the people who were dead but still living again. not much to say. i still hate it. it’s the only dream I’ve had for a year. it’s better when I don’t dream at all. then i don’t have to think about dad or jamu or azuka living past death and still suffering.

it felt like something was trying to reach me again. i don’t want to message mom. she can’t help me out here. she shouldn’t have to.

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

Title: Communion?

The communion comes to me like a soaked dream / I remember dying and dying and dying again / First as a rod then as a cough then as an open mouth / I have died but my heart is still having aftershocks / I am a breathing convulsion of brain death / I have died but my ego can’t kill itself yet / The communion comes to me like a soaked dream / I open my mouth and am fed the breath of life / I open my mouth and am fed / I open my mouth / I will never have a communion with god / god can offer me nothing to eat / god is collective convulsion / This communion is with something that looks like me / it hasn’t died either

I remember writing this but I don’t remember being awake for it.

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

Title: heartbeats are speaking now

i got another support mission today and everything was so loud. it was like humming in the other pilots’ chests. merchant wasn’t lying when he said he was scared. he’s only okay when his heruka mech is about to punch someone out of their cockpit. i think witch might resent everyone. or she resents that no one is as quiet in the field as she is.

is this some kind of gift?

Heartsight Acquired.