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>//PARTIAL_ACCESS_GRANTED

SOUL STREAM

[Forum Log 113: the resting grounds]

TW: Heavy implications of suicide and suicidal ideation

Log Date: 5016U (10 years ago)

manticore77: holy shit

manticore77: you actually did it

manticore77: you hacked through my firewall

manticore77: congrats lol

honeybear: idk what im even looking at

honeybear: why are there so many docs that say “plans for castigation”

manticore77: theyre exactly what they say they are

honeybear: why does the last one just list out names

honeybear: am i looking at a fucking hit list

honeybear: am i liable by association now

manticore77: dont bother thinking like that lol

manticore77: its people the manticore code is going out to after im gone

honeybear: why are you planning for being gone

manticore77: oh

manticore77: oh honey

manticore77: i thought you knew horus

honeybear: not everything but enough

manticore77: honey

manticore77: the manticore is

manticore77: actually

manticore77: what do you think this forum is? how do you think you got access?

honeybear: idk i was fucking around and found out

manticore77: this place is called the resting grounds

manticore77: because everyone here is dead or has died or will die

manticore77: in one way or another

honeybear: oh

manticore77: i thought you knew

manticore77: because those are the only people who get access

honeybear: turns out im not as smart as i think i am

manticore77: for what it’s worth

manticore77: i was hoping you’d lose access at some point

honeybear: not there yet i guess

manticore77: you can get there if you want

manticore77: stay away from manticore code

manticore77: you seem like more of a goblin girl

honeybear: how soon

honeybear: when are your “castigation plans” happening

honeybear: just wondering

manticore77: one more month

[Forum Log 164: in the shadow of the godhead]

Log Date: 5017U (9 years ago)

honeybear: i’ve been thinking

invademerchant56: so glad you got a new hobby

honeybear: shut up

honeybear: there’s so much i don’t get

honeybear: about ra

invademerchant56: RA

honeybear: thats what i typed

horuswitchO0O: capitals are important

horuswitchO0O: also

horuswitchO0O: not getting it is the point

horuswitchO0O: well its one of the points

honeybear: i dont want to study RA im not stupid

honeybear: existing is better than not existing

invademerchant56: good

invademerchant56: you can be trusted not to attach yourself to a manticore about to blow up

honeybear: …

honeybear: yeah

honeybear: back to the point

honeybear: what is the point actually

honeybear: RA is

honeybear: there

honeybear: and that’s it unless someone breaks the rules

horuswitchO0O: exactly

horuswitchO0O: it’s perfect

honeybear: ?

invademerchant56: there’s legit no better way from them to be

honeybear: im processing nothing

invademerchant56: process less

horuswitchO0O: let me put it this way

horuswitchO0O: what would you do if you could do everything and be everything?

honeybear: change

honeybear: change myself

honeybear: change a lot of other people

honeybear: terrible people

invademerchant56: thats great and all but where does the line get drawn before everything gets changed into something else and this universe ceases to exist?

honeybear: it gets drawn when it gets drawn

invademerchant56: incredibly vague and vaguely concerning

horuswitchO0O: i get it though

horuswitchO0O: we couldn’t handle being that much and not making everything constantly reckon with that

honeybear: why do u worship RA

horuswitchO0O: not everyone here worships the godhead

horuswitchO0O: what i have is reverence. there’s a difference

invademerchant56: im just too scared to not be involved

honeybear: ??

invademerchant56: RA is there and i can’t understand but i also can’t look away

invademerchant56: i’d go insane

honeybear: so you want to be close to the god that could end everything but not too close

invademerchant56: yep

horuswitchO0O: it’s another kind of reverence i think

invademerchant56: i don’t have another word for it

honeybear: one more question

invademerchant56: no u can’t talk to RA

honeybear: i can talk all i want

honeybear: also not my question

honeybear: does RA

honeybear: care?

horuswitchO0O: enough to not change us

[Journal Logs 77-79: communion and chorus]

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

Title: i hate dreams

i saw the people who were dead but still living again. not much to say. i still hate it. it’s the only dream I’ve had for a year. it’s better when I don’t dream at all. then i don’t have to think about dad or jamu or azuka living past death and still suffering.

it felt like something was trying to reach me again. i don’t want to message mom. she can’t help me out here. she shouldn’t have to.

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

Title: Communion?

The communion comes to me like a soaked dream / I remember dying and dying and dying again / First as a rod then as a cough then as an open mouth / I have died but my heart is still having aftershocks / I am a breathing convulsion of brain death / I have died but my ego can’t kill itself yet / The communion comes to me like a soaked dream / I open my mouth and am fed the breath of life / I open my mouth and am fed / I open my mouth / I will never have a communion with god / god can offer me nothing to eat / god is collective convulsion / This communion is with something that looks like me / it hasn’t died either

I remember writing this but I don’t remember being awake for it.

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

Title: heartbeats are speaking now

i got another support mission today and everything was so loud. it was like humming in the other pilots’ chests. merchant wasn’t lying when he said he was scared. he’s only okay when his heruka mech is about to punch someone out of their cockpit. i think witch might resent everyone. or she resents that no one is as quiet in the field as she is.

is this some kind of gift?

Heartsight Acquired.

[Forum Log 182: the witching minute]

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

honeybear: so

honeybear: ur actually a witch

horuswitchO0O: people started calling us that at some point

horuswitchO0O: i don’t remember when it’s been a while

adherent27: about a century ago

horuswitchO0O: thank you addy

adherent27: that’s the 30th time someone has thanked me for documenting everything

horuswitchO0O: thank you again addy

adherent27: 31st

honeybear: why am i here?

honeybear: u told me to hack in

honeybear: are u making me swap my goblin for a pixie?

honeybear: i like the pixie but lil guy is special

horuswitchO0O: that would be pointless

horuswitchO0O: you follow the code that chooses you

honeybear: if i just followed whatever chose me id be poor and dead in a shallow grave

honeybear: probably

adherent27: horus code is different. codes and mechs come to their wielders for reasons, not by random chance.

adherent27: the manticore is an exception

honeybear: it just tells people to die at random

adherent27: it’s difficult to explain

adherent27: manticore code chooses people that it designates as appropriate martyrs

adherent27: what makes someone a good martyrdom selection? [shrug.omif]

horuswitchO0O: we honor those who would die in RA’s name

horuswitchO0O: but we do not follow them

horuswitchO0O: our purpose is different

honeybear: so u have a purpose for me

honeybear: im not a chosen one

honeybear: that sounds boring

horuswitchO0O: oh no this is much more fun!

horuswitchO0O: this is about paracraft: paracausal spellcraft

adherent27: you seem suited for one of our spells

adherent27: we don’t hoard our knowledge from the deserving

honeybear: im guessing i have to actually prove i deserve it tho

honeybear: should i dedicate a holy meme to RA or smthng

adherent27: no, though you’d be the 6th person in this server to make a RA-related meme

honeybear: damn im not even original

honeybear: shouldnt that be sacrilegious for you witch

horuswitchO0O: i haven’t and i don’t remember RA dictating that we control the actions of others

adherent27: [SheDeimos’dAllOverMyGodhead.omif]

horuswitchO0O: you know i think i blocked that one out

honeybear: [PapaDeimosGonnaFirstContactMyHereticalThoughts.omif]

horuswitchO0O: that one’s acceptable. barely

adherent27: i have no idea what margin of judgement you’re using

adherent27: anyway

adherent27: you’re going to need the subjectivity enhancement deck that horuswitchO0O should have sent you  

honeybear: yep

honeybear: i have since made it harder for people to find me  

horuswitchO0O: good!

honeybear: the deck is set up

adherent27: alright now im going to send you a long string of code and you need to decipher it

adherent27: don’t worry about getting it exactly right

horuswitchO0O: just drink deep and descend

honeybear: k

honeybear: hey is the code supposed to

adherent27: monitoring initiated

horuswitchO0O: push her out if it seems like she’s going to descend forever, understand?

adherent27: understood

adherent27: you seem to care for this one

horuswitchO0O: i care for everyone

horuswitchO0O: just in different ways

[2 Hours Later]

adherent27: huh

adherent27: that’s unexpected

horuswitchO0O: what?

honeybear: :))))))))

horuswitchO0O: oh you’re out already

adherent27: also unexpected

honeybear: i understand why u worship RA now

horuswitchO0O: really?

honeybear: because thinking about RA brings both [pain] and [soothing]

homeybear: and it’s nice to be a masochist without consequences

horuswitchO0O: hmm

adherent27: interesting interpretation

adherent27: how did you find two instances of paracraft in that data stream?

adherent27: there should have only been one

honeybear: when u descend

honeybear: you have to drink all the water or drown

honeybear: all in RA’s name rite?

horuswitchO0O: all in RA’s name

adherent27: all in RA’s name

adherent27: try not to make too many people wish they were dead or end up dependent on you

honeybear: :)))))))))))

[Forum Log 226: coming down]

TW: Mentioned drug usage, depressed & suicidal statements

Log Date: 5020U (6 years ago)

manicpixie808: i fucked up

invademerchant56: did you take your own stuff again  

invademerchant56: you said you were off that shit

invademerchant56: you lost that privilege

manicpixie808: i took 1 hit of kick (not mine) BECAUSE i needed to be up for 30 hours BECAUSE i fucked up

manicpixie808: there was this girl who was crying and wanted to feel numb for a while so obv i gave her freeze

manicpixie808: and the trip was fine but the after is baaad  

invademerchant56: how bad

manicpixie808: im gonna hail you

invademerchant: RA fucking preserve me

[>//Transcript: Excerpt of a recorded hail between manicpixie808, invademerchant56, and honeybear.]

honeybear: I don’t understand anything.

manicpixie808: That’s okay! Most people don’t understand most things.

invademerchant56: Oh God, bear, what happened?

manicpixie808: You know her? Great! That probably makes this easier.

honeybear: You don’t fucking get it. I don’t know anything. I don’t understand anything. I left my mom alone with everyone buried under the fucking floorboards because I wanted to know things. (laughter) And I don’t FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING.

invademerchant56: That’s okay. I know that sounds like a shitty response, but it’s really okay. You’re, what, 18? I’m 26 and I barely understand anything. I told you, most things scare the shit out of me.

honeybear: I’ve spent three years chasing HORUS because I thought it would make me something. I thought, maybe if I just- if I just teach myself I can be something. But I’m still just me.

invademerchant56: You’ve done so much in three years, you know that.

honeybear: AND IT’S ALL FUCKING POINTLESS. I just run around in a Goblin clinging to better people so I can pretend there’s a reason I’m alive.

invademerchant56: Hey-

honeybear: I should have piloted a Manticore. I’m gonna print a Manticore.

invademerchant56: No. No you’re fucking not.

honeybear: Yes I am. Pixie, stop sitting on me.

manicpixie808: No, you’re scaring me.

honeybear: Whatever. I probably wasn’t going to, I can’t print a Manticore. It doesn’t change anything.

invademerchant56: Can you just… try to focus on breathing? Please?

honeybear: Fuck you. Give me more Freeze.

manicpixie808: NO.

honeybear: I don’t want my thoughts anymore. I don’t want to be in this head anymore. It’s someone else’s.

invademerchant56: Do you want me to call someone? Like, your mom-

honeybear: She doesn’t need to know her only living kid is a failed junkie.  

manicpixie808: There are waaaaay worse things you could be. You could sell stims. I know because I sell stims.

honeybear: I want to go back to the resting grounds.

invademerchant56: The what?

manicpixie808: Like, a graveyard?

honeybear: I can’t go there anymore. I want to go back. I miss manticore77. I miss my dad. He wasn’t great but he knew more than me. He didn’t tell me things before he died.

invademerchant56: …

manicpixie808: …

honeybear: I want to talk to Osiris.

invademerchant: The NHP? You have an Osiris?

honeybear: No. Not yet.

manicpixie808: Well, that’s something to live for!

invademerchant56: Pix.

manicpixie808: I’M TRYING.

[>//resting grounds

>//UIB_CLEARANCE_ID_HONEYBEAR

>//checking…

>//ACCESS_DENIED]