SOUL STREAM

>//UIB_CLEARANCE_IDs_SPIRAL_TEDDY_LA MANCHA_STALKER

>//ACCEPTED. 

>//PARTIAL_ACCESS_GRANTED

SOUL STREAM

[Forum Log 113: the resting grounds]

TW: Heavy implications of suicide and suicidal ideation

Log Date: 5016U (10 years ago)

manticore77: holy shit

manticore77: you actually did it

manticore77: you hacked through my firewall

manticore77: congrats lol

honeybear: idk what im even looking at

honeybear: why are there so many docs that say “plans for castigation”

manticore77: theyre exactly what they say they are

honeybear: why does the last one just list out names

honeybear: am i looking at a fucking hit list

honeybear: am i liable by association now

manticore77: dont bother thinking like that lol

manticore77: its people the manticore code is going out to after im gone

honeybear: why are you planning for being gone

manticore77: oh

manticore77: oh honey

manticore77: i thought you knew horus

honeybear: not everything but enough

manticore77: honey

manticore77: the manticore is

manticore77: actually

manticore77: what do you think this forum is? how do you think you got access?

honeybear: idk i was fucking around and found out

manticore77: this place is called the resting grounds

manticore77: because everyone here is dead or has died or will die

manticore77: in one way or another

honeybear: oh

manticore77: i thought you knew

manticore77: because those are the only people who get access

honeybear: turns out im not as smart as i think i am

manticore77: for what it’s worth

manticore77: i was hoping you’d lose access at some point

honeybear: not there yet i guess

manticore77: you can get there if you want

manticore77: stay away from manticore code

manticore77: you seem like more of a goblin girl

honeybear: how soon

honeybear: when are your “castigation plans” happening

honeybear: just wondering

manticore77: one more month

[Forum Log 164: in the shadow of the godhead]

Log Date: 5017U (9 years ago)

honeybear: i’ve been thinking

invademerchant56: so glad you got a new hobby

honeybear: shut up

honeybear: there’s so much i don’t get

honeybear: about ra

invademerchant56: RA

honeybear: thats what i typed

horuswitchO0O: capitals are important

horuswitchO0O: also

horuswitchO0O: not getting it is the point

horuswitchO0O: well its one of the points

honeybear: i dont want to study RA im not stupid

honeybear: existing is better than not existing

invademerchant56: good

invademerchant56: you can be trusted not to attach yourself to a manticore about to blow up

honeybear: …

honeybear: yeah

honeybear: back to the point

honeybear: what is the point actually

honeybear: RA is

honeybear: there

honeybear: and that’s it unless someone breaks the rules

horuswitchO0O: exactly

horuswitchO0O: it’s perfect

honeybear: ?

invademerchant56: there’s legit no better way from them to be

honeybear: im processing nothing

invademerchant56: process less

horuswitchO0O: let me put it this way

horuswitchO0O: what would you do if you could do everything and be everything?

honeybear: change

honeybear: change myself

honeybear: change a lot of other people

honeybear: terrible people

invademerchant56: thats great and all but where does the line get drawn before everything gets changed into something else and this universe ceases to exist?

honeybear: it gets drawn when it gets drawn

invademerchant56: incredibly vague and vaguely concerning

horuswitchO0O: i get it though

horuswitchO0O: we couldn’t handle being that much and not making everything constantly reckon with that

honeybear: why do u worship RA

horuswitchO0O: not everyone here worships the godhead

horuswitchO0O: what i have is reverence. there’s a difference

invademerchant56: im just too scared to not be involved

honeybear: ??

invademerchant56: RA is there and i can’t understand but i also can’t look away

invademerchant56: i’d go insane

honeybear: so you want to be close to the god that could end everything but not too close

invademerchant56: yep

horuswitchO0O: it’s another kind of reverence i think

invademerchant56: i don’t have another word for it

honeybear: one more question

invademerchant56: no u can’t talk to RA

honeybear: i can talk all i want

honeybear: also not my question

honeybear: does RA

honeybear: care?

horuswitchO0O: enough to not change us

[Journal Logs 77-79: communion and chorus]

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

Title: i hate dreams

i saw the people who were dead but still living again. not much to say. i still hate it. it’s the only dream I’ve had for a year. it’s better when I don’t dream at all. then i don’t have to think about dad or jamu or azuka living past death and still suffering.

it felt like something was trying to reach me again. i don’t want to message mom. she can’t help me out here. she shouldn’t have to.

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

Title: Communion?

The communion comes to me like a soaked dream / I remember dying and dying and dying again / First as a rod then as a cough then as an open mouth / I have died but my heart is still having aftershocks / I am a breathing convulsion of brain death / I have died but my ego can’t kill itself yet / The communion comes to me like a soaked dream / I open my mouth and am fed the breath of life / I open my mouth and am fed / I open my mouth / I will never have a communion with god / god can offer me nothing to eat / god is collective convulsion / This communion is with something that looks like me / it hasn’t died either

I remember writing this but I don’t remember being awake for it.

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

Title: heartbeats are speaking now

i got another support mission today and everything was so loud. it was like humming in the other pilots’ chests. merchant wasn’t lying when he said he was scared. he’s only okay when his heruka mech is about to punch someone out of their cockpit. i think witch might resent everyone. or she resents that no one is as quiet in the field as she is.

is this some kind of gift?

Heartsight Acquired.

[Forum Log 182: the witching minute]

Log Date: 5018U (8 years ago)

honeybear: so

honeybear: ur actually a witch

horuswitchO0O: people started calling us that at some point

horuswitchO0O: i don’t remember when it’s been a while

adherent27: about a century ago

horuswitchO0O: thank you addy

adherent27: that’s the 30th time someone has thanked me for documenting everything

horuswitchO0O: thank you again addy

adherent27: 31st

honeybear: why am i here?

honeybear: u told me to hack in

honeybear: are u making me swap my goblin for a pixie?

honeybear: i like the pixie but lil guy is special

horuswitchO0O: that would be pointless

horuswitchO0O: you follow the code that chooses you

honeybear: if i just followed whatever chose me id be poor and dead in a shallow grave

honeybear: probably

adherent27: horus code is different. codes and mechs come to their wielders for reasons, not by random chance.

adherent27: the manticore is an exception

honeybear: it just tells people to die at random

adherent27: it’s difficult to explain

adherent27: manticore code chooses people that it designates as appropriate martyrs

adherent27: what makes someone a good martyrdom selection? [shrug.omif]

horuswitchO0O: we honor those who would die in RA’s name

horuswitchO0O: but we do not follow them

horuswitchO0O: our purpose is different

honeybear: so u have a purpose for me

honeybear: im not a chosen one

honeybear: that sounds boring

horuswitchO0O: oh no this is much more fun!

horuswitchO0O: this is about your relationship with RA

honeybear: should i dedicate a holy meme to RA or smthng

adherent27: no, though you’d be the 6th person in this server to make a RA-related meme

honeybear: damn im not even original

honeybear: shouldnt that be sacrilegious for you witch

horuswitchO0O: i haven’t and i don’t remember RA dictating that we control the actions of others

adherent27: [SheDeimos’dAllOverMyGodhead.omif]

horuswitchO0O: you know i think i blocked that one out

honeybear: [PapaDeimosGonnaFirstContactMyHereticalThoughts.omif]

horuswitchO0O: that one’s acceptable. barely

adherent27: i have no idea what margin of judgement you’re using

adherent27: anyway

adherent27: do you worship RA, revere it, or hate it

honeybear: it?

adherent27: i refuse to assign RA typical pronouns

adherent27: especially not male ones

horuswitchO0O: amen

honeybear: is there a right answer

honeybear: let me clarify

honeybear: is there an answer that gets me doxxed

adherent27: no

adherent27: we’re just interested in your reasoning

honeybear: ok

honeybear: is idk acceptable?

honeybear: because

honeybear: i don’t know if there’s any point in any of them?

honeybear: why would i worship what i can’t comprehend

honeybear: why would i hate someone/thing that just took a moon and fucked off

honeybear: why would i revere someone/thing that explicitly imposed restrictions on humanity’s ability to grow

horuswitchO0O: hmmmmm

horuswitchO0O: very interesting

horuswitchO0O: still i feel like you’re still at the surface

honeybear: we talked about this before

honeybear: you respect that RA isn’t changing everything just because they can

honeybear: me?

honeybear: i just want

honeybear: meaning

adherent27: that’s hard to find in anything, RA included, but maybe we can help

adherent27: im going to send you a long string of code and you need to decipher it

adherent27: don’t worry about getting it exactly right

horuswitchO0O: just drink deep and descend

honeybear: k

honeybear: hey is the code supposed to

adherent27: monitoring initiated

horuswitchO0O: push her out if it seems like she’s going to descend forever, understand?

adherent27: understood

adherent27: you seem to care for this one

horuswitchO0O: i care for everyone

horuswitchO0O: just in different ways

[2 Hours Later]

adherent27: huh

adherent27: that’s unexpected

horuswitchO0O: what?

honeybear: :))))))))

horuswitchO0O: oh you’re out already

adherent27: also unexpected

honeybear: i understand why u worship RA now

horuswitchO0O: really?

honeybear: because thinking about RA brings both [pain] and [soothing]

homeybear: and it’s nice to be a masochist without consequences

horuswitchO0O: hmm

adherent27: huh

adherent27: i didn’t know those bits of code were in there

honeybear: when u descend

honeybear: you have to drink all the water or drown

horuswitchO0O: all in RA’s name

adherent27: all in RA’s name

adherent27: try not to make too many people wish they were dead or end up dependent on you

honeybear: :)))))))))))

[Forum Log 226: coming down]

TW: Mentioned drug usage, depressed & suicidal statements

Log Date: 5020U (6 years ago)

manicpixie808: i fucked up

invademerchant56: did you take your own stuff again  

invademerchant56: you said you were off that shit

invademerchant56: you lost that privilege

manicpixie808: i took 1 hit of kick (not mine) BECAUSE i needed to be up for 30 hours BECAUSE i fucked up

manicpixie808: there was this girl who was crying and wanted to feel numb for a while so obv i gave her freeze

manicpixie808: and the trip was fine but the after is baaad  

invademerchant56: how bad

manicpixie808: im gonna hail you

invademerchant: RA fucking preserve me

[>//Transcript: Excerpt of a recorded hail between manicpixie808, invademerchant56, and honeybear.]

honeybear: I don’t understand anything.

manicpixie808: That’s okay! Most people don’t understand most things.

invademerchant56: Oh God, bear, what happened?

manicpixie808: You know her? Great! That probably makes this easier.

honeybear: You don’t fucking get it. I don’t know anything. I don’t understand anything. I left my mom alone with everyone buried under the fucking floorboards because I wanted to know things. (laughter) And I don’t FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING.

invademerchant56: That’s okay. I know that sounds like a shitty response, but it’s really okay. You’re, what, 18? I’m 26 and I barely understand anything. I told you, most things scare the shit out of me.

honeybear: I’ve spent three years chasing HORUS because I thought it would make me something. I thought, maybe if I just- if I just teach myself I can be something. But I’m still just me.

invademerchant56: You’ve done so much in three years, you know that.

honeybear: AND IT’S ALL FUCKING POINTLESS. I just run around in a Goblin clinging to better people so I can pretend there’s a reason I’m alive.

invademerchant56: Hey-

honeybear: I should have piloted a Manticore. I’m gonna print a Manticore.

invademerchant56: No. No you’re fucking not.

honeybear: Yes I am. Pixie, stop sitting on me.

manicpixie808: No, you’re scaring me.

honeybear: Whatever. I probably wasn’t going to, I can’t print a Manticore. It doesn’t change anything.

invademerchant56: Can you just… try to focus on breathing? Please?

honeybear: Fuck you. Give me more Freeze.

manicpixie808: NO.

honeybear: I don’t want my thoughts anymore. I don’t want to be in this head anymore. It’s someone else’s.

invademerchant56: Do you want me to call someone? Like, your mom-

honeybear: She doesn’t need to know her only living kid is a failed junkie.  

manicpixie808: There are waaaaay worse things you could be. You could sell stims. I know because I sell stims.

honeybear: I want to go back to the resting grounds.

invademerchant56: The what?

manicpixie808: Like, a graveyard?

honeybear: I can’t go there anymore. I want to go back. I miss manticore77. I miss my dad. He wasn’t great but he knew more than me. He didn’t tell me things before he died.

invademerchant56: …

manicpixie808: …

honeybear: I want to talk to Osiris.

invademerchant: The NHP? You have an Osiris?

honeybear: No. Not yet.

manicpixie808: Well, that’s something to live for!

invademerchant56: Pix.

manicpixie808: I’M TRYING.

[>//resting grounds

>//UIB_CLEARANCE_ID_HONEYBEAR

>//checking…

>//ACCESS_DENIED]

manticore78: she said you should stay away.

[Data Log ???: eat the manticore]

TW: Mental breakdown, depressed & suicidal statements

Log Date: 5020U (6 years ago)

[>//Transcript: SURRENDER TO THE CASTIGATION OF YOUR CEREBROSPINAL FLUID]

POST-BATTLE TRANSCRIPT: Manticore “Eat the Dead” self-destructed. Heruka “Fist of the Disciple” destroyed. Naga “At the Stake” compromised. Goblin “Little Guy” critically compromised. “Little Guy” and pilot HONEYBEAR location unknown.

LOG: Entering blinkspace. Entering realspace. Entering blinspace. Entering realspace. Entering- [navigational support disabled].

JOURNAL LOG “Be Eaten”: I could have been a martyr if the Manticore had killed me too. // They’ll call invademerchant56 a martyr. // Manticore teeth where his face should be. // Everyone who tries to teach me dies. // The Manticore’s spines are in my skull. // I feel them. // I feel them. // I feel them eating me. // I want to be eaten. // The Manticore chose me. // I tried to die but I didn’t and the Manticore chose me to show me martyrdom because I wouldn’t have been a martyr. // I feel them. // I don’t want to be eaten. // I don’t want to be martyred please

LOG: Reminder. Cycle OSIRIS-CLASS NHP this week- [reminder disabled].

LOG: Onset dehydration detected. Hydration recommended.

LOG: Reminder. One missed call from Mom. Call Mom- [reminder disabled].

JOURNAL LOG “Eat the Dead”: The Manticore is teeth. // It’s already eaten me. // It always spits me out.

LOG: OSIRIS-CLASS NHP activating communications.

LOG: Unable to connect to “horuswitchO0O”.

LOG: Unable to connect to “invademerchant56”. Unable to connect to “invademerchant56”. Unable to connect to “invademerchant56”- [OSIRIS-CLASS NHP has disabled communications].

LOG: OSIRIS-CLASS NHP taking control of mech movement- [movement disabled]. [Movement enabled]. [Movement disabled].

JOURNAL LOG “OSIRIS”: /// I can’t give you a name. ///

LOG: OSIRIS-CLASS NHP has manually edited its designation. OSIRIS-CLASS NHP is now registered as TEDDY.

HONEYBEAR: u h8 that name

TEDDY: It got you to respond

TEDDY: Please talk to me

JOURNAL LOG “Bargain”: /// OSIRIS-CLASS NHPs with loose shackles will often treat their pilots as subjects to be bargained with for more situational control. Use your circumstantial judgment to determine whether it is best to engage with your OSIRIS-CLASS or simply placate them. ///

HONEYBEAR: how do i placate u

TEDDY: Fuck you. It’s been four hours. Are you just going to sit here until you die?

HONEYBEAR: maybe

TEDDY: Pretend you’re dead and let me take control.

HONEYBEAR: no dont take me back

TEDDY: Are you sure you’re not the one who needs to be placated?

HONEYBEAR: go fuck a tlaloc

SENSOR LOG: Movement detected.

LOG: [Movement reenabled]. [Movement disabled].

TEDDY: We’re leaving.

SENSOR LOG: Incoming hostile. Hostile identified as Manticore chassis.

LOG: Pilot breathing and heart rate severely elevated.

TEDDY: GIVE ME CONTROL

HONEYBEAR: it came back to eat me again it came back it came back

TEDDY: TAMAMI IF YOU DIE SO DO I YOU SELFISH-

LOG: [Movement reenabled].

SENSOR LOG: Hostile Manticore closing in. “Little Guy” critically compromised.

TEDDY: Attack. Attack now.

HONEYBEAR: WITH WHAT THE BROKEN FUCKING AUTOPOD?

TEDDY: WITH ME YOU IDIOT.

LOG: HURL INTO THE DUAT initiated. Attack successful. First Gate initiated.

TEDDY: NOW GO BACK TO RUNNING.

HONEYBEAR: it’s gonna fucking catch us we’re dead and we won’t even die martyrs

TEDDY: If you keep talking about martyrdom I swear to RA-

[The thing about the Manticore is that all of its teeth are already broken.]

LOG: HURL INTO THE DUAT initiated. Attack successful. Second Gate initiated. Third Gate initiated. Fourth Gate initiated.

SENSOR LOG: Hostile Manticore reactor meltdown imminent.

TEDDY: RUN FASTER- JUST LET ME DO IT.

HONEYBEAR: BE MY GUEST.

LOG: All hostiles destroyed. “Little Guy” critically compromised.

TEDDY: … Do you still want to die?

HONEYBEAR: … im gonna call my mom

HONEYBEAR: … Thanks, Teddy.

TEDDY: God, I already regret this name.

Plunder the Void Acquired.

Was this thinspace?

[Chat Log 1: on the outside of comatose]

TW: Mentions of drug use, depressed & suicidal statements

>//CAMBION_HELLFIRE_WALL_ENGAGED

>//SPIRAL_ACCEPTED

>//HELLFIRE_WALL_BYPASSED

Log Date: 5020U (6 years ago)

manicpixie808: merchant would probably make a joke about this.

manicpixie808: Like

manicpixie808: RA finally had enough of my bullshit.

manicpixie808: Or something.

manicpixie808: Or maybe that’s just me.

manicpixie808: I don’t really know what his deal with RA was honestly.

manicpixie808: He just told me he was afraid and that was the end of it.

manicpixie808: Was he afraid of RA? Or afraid of being on the outside of something so big?

manicpixie808: I don’t know.

manicpixie808: You should go visit him @honeybear.

honeybear: that’s not y i made this chat

manicpixie808: ?

honeybear: why do u do stims?

manicpixie808: Uhhhhhhhhhh

manicpixie808: Why?

honeybear: i like to know why people do things

manicpixie808: Kay

manicpixie808: I mean, stims all have a purpose, right? You take Kick because you need to stay up to do something. Or Juice because you need more energy.

honeybear: u told me freeze is ur fav

manicpixie808: It’s

manicpixie808: A nice high. A different high from the others.

manicpixie808: It’s cold in the best way. Like your brain is in an ice bath and nothing can come in to hurt you.

manicpixie808: Unless it fucks you up like it did with you.

honeybear: yeah

honeybear: are you on freeze right now?

manicpixie808: Can I be super honest with you?

honeybear: i hope so now that our friend is pseudo-dead

manicpixie808: …

manicpixie808: I haven’t been off Freeze in a while.

manicpixie808: It’s really fucking stupid.

manicpixie808: It’s turning into a habit.

manicpixie808: It probably already was.

manicpixie808: But

manicpixie808: It helps.

honeybear: i wish it helped me

manicpixie808: No you don’t.

manicpixie808: You’re better off.

manicpixie808: I wish my body wasn’t built to handle hard stims.

honeybear: what do u mean ur built to handle stims?

manicpixie808: Honey, I’ve been on stims since I was a kid.

manicpixie808: I learned how to cook them when I was a teen because the local supply line died.

manicpixie808: That’s just not that weird on a planet like Rivnuan.

manicpixie808: I didn’t realize how weird it was until I fucked off.

manicpixie808: And now I don’t have the time for withdrawal.

honeybear: u don’t have time for that but u still have time to be high?

honeybear: no judgment just

honeybear: wondering

manicpixie808: You should judge me.

manicpixie808: Maybe I do have the time.

manicpixie808: Maybe I’m just waiting to die first.

manicpixie808: Sorry

manicpixie808: That was dark and bad taste.

honeybear: no i get it

honeybear: i think i’ve been waiting to die for a long time

honeybear: but when i saw death in the manticore

honeybear: i let myself run away

honeybear: and im trying to figure out why

honeybear: it’s just rest isn’t it?

manicpixie808: Maybe your brain isn’t wired for that kind of rest.

manicpixie808: That’s a good thing, by the way.

honeybear: i know

manicpixie808: You have a good mind. You should hold onto that.

manicpixie808: And visit him when you can.

honeybear: if u could stop doing freeze right now without withdrawal would u?

manicpixie808: No.

manicpixie808: I’m not that strong.

honeybear: maybe

honeybear: u could be

manicpixie808: I don’t want to be.

manicpixie808: Not anymore.

manicpixie808: I have to go for a while.

honeybear: before u do

honeybear: is there something that could make you strong enough?

manicpixie808: No.

So I made something stronger than Freeze.