Sunny

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The Flaying Ritual

ZERO: the bad things

someone beautiful told me

to write about the bad things

but it’s hard not to think

that what’s been bad

is deep inside my body

i think about goodness sometimes

but my arms and legs are just teeth

and my teeth always ache for something

better than me

i’m hungry for goodness

it’s been this way since

i was born into badness

and everything thinks i say that

just because it’s easy

but my knowing has never been easy

i flay myself because the pain is coping

someone beautiful told me

to write about the the bad things

but so much has been bad

and so much is just me

maybe i can get what’s inside me out

and be just a little less ugly

if i show it to other people

in a way that’s pretty

ONE: i know who god is

TW: Abusive dynamic, forced starvation

i was never supposed to have a body

god put me inside myself to test himself

and maybe he wasn’t really god

but that never really mattered

because he rubbed my matted head

as he tightened my chains

and he told me

“i’m going to make you good.

“i’m going to take your evil

and teach you.”

i was locked up for very long

because hungry things

can’t be trusted to do anything

but try to eat

god held things in front of my muzzled mouth

and sang about the salvation of starvation

and maybe he wasn’t really singing

but it sounded so lovely

to kill myself and be saved

i was very hungry for very long

(i’m still hungry)

first, god taught me how to talk

i didn’t like all the words

they were just another way for me

to fail

but one day i said

“i don’t want to be hungry”

(i’m still hungry)

and god let me eat

i don’t remember what he fed me

i only remember asking

“can i be good now?”

(i’m still hungry)

i was never supposed to have a body

god put me inside myself

to kill me

TWO: this body couldn’t be beautiful

TW: Forced starvation, mentioned cannibalism

i ate nothing for days

and maybe if my mouth hadn’t been frothing

it would have been a way to repent

I wondered if i was bleeding sometimes

i had hands but they were useless

because i couldn’t make myself into me

i had feet but they were useless

because i couldn’t run away from me

i ate nothing

then god brought me something alive to eat

they were like me before i understood

that one day i could pretend to be good

we were locked in a place without bodies

and without time

we swallowed each other

i read someone call cannibalism intimate

they were trying not to tell the truth

i ate

when i was done i still had my stomach

i thought the body god gave me was useless

but then i understood

i didn’t like my human hands or chest or feet

but they weren’t the things betraying me

i was just a hungry thing

I don’t know how long i was in god’s cage