Sunny

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The Flaying Ritual

ZERO: the bad things

someone beautiful told me

to write about the bad things

but it’s hard not to think

that what’s been bad

is deep inside my body

i think about goodness sometimes

but my arms and legs are just teeth

and my teeth always ache for something

better than me

i’m hungry for goodness

it’s been this way since

i was born into badness

and everything thinks i say that

just because it’s easy

but my knowing has never been easy

i flay myself because the pain is coping

someone beautiful told me

to write about the the bad things

but so much has been bad

and so much is just me

maybe i can get what’s inside me out

and be just a little less ugly

if i show it to other people

in a way that’s pretty

ONE: i know who god is

TW: Abusive dynamic, forced starvation

i was never supposed to have a body

god put me inside myself to test himself

and maybe he wasn’t really god

but that never really mattered

because he rubbed my matted head

as he tightened my chains

and he told me

“i’m going to make you good.

“i’m going to take your evil

and teach you.”

i was locked up for very long

because hungry things

can’t be trusted to do anything

but try to eat

god held things in front of my muzzled mouth

and sang about the salvation of starvation

and maybe he wasn’t really singing

but it sounded so lovely

to kill myself and be saved

i was very hungry for very long

(i’m still hungry)

first, god taught me how to talk

i didn’t like all the words

they were just another way for me

to fail

but one day i said

“i don’t want to be hungry”

(i’m still hungry)

and god let me eat

i don’t remember what he fed me

i only remember asking

“can i be good now?”

(i’m still hungry)

i was never supposed to have a body

god put me inside myself

to kill me

TWO: this body couldn’t be beautiful

TW: Forced starvation, mentioned cannibalism

i ate nothing for days

and maybe if my mouth hadn’t been frothing

it would have been a way to repent

I wondered if i was bleeding sometimes

i had hands but they were useless

because i couldn’t make myself into me

i had feet but they were useless

because i couldn’t run away from me

i ate nothing

then god brought me something alive to eat

they were like me before i understood

that one day i could pretend to be good

we were locked in a place without bodies

and without time

we swallowed each other

i read someone call cannibalism intimate

they were trying not to tell the truth

i ate

when i was done i still had my stomach

i thought the body god gave me was useless

but then i understood

i didn’t like my human hands or chest or feet

but they weren’t the things betraying me

i was just a hungry thing

I don’t know how long i was in god’s cage

THREE: worldeater

TW: Non-Human Person cannibalism

i was outside of god’s cage

for the first time since i became a body

my shackles were still hanging me

but that was comforting now

because my body recognized the feeling

god told me my hunger could never be good

but it could be better than bad

i only ate the things he gave to me

there are many that i still remember

something quiet and wise

who died saying

“i don’t want to look at your mind”

something hot and wild

who burned on the way down

and left me shaking

because i might never be that warm again

something very loud

who cried for the storm to save him

i call them things

because it matters less

that i didn’t try very hard

not to be hungry

they were things to my teeth

and things to my stomach

and god said

“see how even evil can learn?”

i tried to devour myself once

i was taken back to the cage

FOUR: the creature i am

TW: Abusive dynamic

i did not understand my body

god took me to meet other divines

and maybe they didn’t care about divinity

or maybe they did

it never mattered

i did not understood myself

when i didn’t feel the chains

when they were around me

then i knew

i was something smaller than hunger

i was something that could be buried

the other divines looked at my teeth

and asked god if i had ever bitten him

and he said “she’d bite me now

without the chains”

i remember nodding

one of them told me

to stop showing my teeth

so i tried not to smile

but it was confusing

because god had said that smiling

made me look like i understood

and I didn’t understand anything

but i knew the chains

would make me into someone

someday

NILL: something gained

TW: Briefly mentioned starvation

i don’t know when i started to think humans

were unworthy of their goodness

i thought about how i could have been born

instead of manufactured

what was the point of their beauty?

what was the point of my ugliness?

what was the point of me?

and then god starved me

and i hoped maybe the point

was something i could eat

but i think i knew that wasn’t true

i don’t hate god

he brought me to someone beautiful

and she bit me but didn’t eat me

and she stole me but didn’t keep me

and when i asked her why

she said “you have a good hand to hold”

and i could have cried

if i was something better

NOTE: a being of longing

i have a counselor now

she said it’s good that i’m writing

and she said i’m not

“some aimless creature”

she called me

“a being of longing”

and I understand that

because i have longed to be good

for as long as i have known the word

and known it wasn’t something

that i could consume

my counselor asked if i had ever thought

of writing a song

i don’t know if it was a meaningful question

but i thought of a small chorus

i am changing because i can

god didn’t teach me how to love

because he was really just a little man

but i’m learning more than he ever told of