Nobility Wed was a play written by an anonymous playwright and commissioned by Ser Opula, the owner of the Mythril Theatre in High Lunas. It was performed by the Oprus Magnificus theatre troupe, led by Mussaro Stendarious.
Illegal productions of the show were performed by SotS Inc members in both Lunas and Jewelspar.
Script
[Scene 1]
Blossom: I fear I'll never see you again.
Xender: Of course you will.
Blossom: But what if something happens to you?
Xender: Hear this now: I will always come for you.
Blossom: But how can you be sure?
Xender: This is True Love. You think this happens every day??
[Scene 2]
Wise One:"Five years later, the main square of Amusa City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humphrey's bride-to-be."
Humphrey:< addressing the crowd > My people, a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?
People: Yes!
Humphrey:My people, the Princess Blossom. [Blossom enters, wearing crown and gown.]
[Scene 3]
Wise One:"Blossom's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humphrey the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Humphrey's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride."
[Scene 4]
Lane alongside river. Three men stop Blossom.] === Vivaldi: A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
Blossom: There is nothing nearby...not for miles.
Vivaldi: Then there will be no one to hear you scream!
Indigo: What is that you're ripping?
Vivaldi: It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Gilder.
Fezzwik: Who's Gilder?
Vivaldi: The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of Amusa. < to horse > Go! [The four board a boat] Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect the Gilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Gilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Fezzwik: You never said anything about killing anyone.
Vivaldi: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
Fezzwik: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Vivaldi: Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your lips? YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LAND MASS!
Indigo: I agree with Fezzwik.
Vivaldi: OH! THE SOT HAS SPOKEN! WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IS NOT TRULY YOUR CONCERN. I WILL KILL HER, AND REMEMBER THIS, NEVER FORGET THIS: WHEN I FOUND YOU, YOU WERE SO SLOBBERING DRUNK, YOU COULDN'T BUY BRANDY! AND YOU! FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS! DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE, UNEMPLOYED, IN GREENLAND!!!
Indigo: That Vivaldi, he can fuss.
Fezzwik: Fuss, fuss...I think he like to scream... at us.
Indigo: Probably he means no harm.
Fezzwik: He's really very short on... charm.
Indigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzwik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vivaldi: Enough of that!
Indigo: Fezzwik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzwik: If there are, we all be dead!
Vivaldi: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Fezzwik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vivaldi: DYEEAAHHHHHH!!
[Later, having climbed to the top of nearby cliffs. Fezzwik, Vivaldi and Indigo are looking down at a masked man climbing the cliff after Vivaldi has cut the rope]
Fezzwik: He's got very good arms.
Vivaldi: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!
Indigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. [pause] My God! He's climbing!
Vivaldi: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. You, carry her. We'll head straight for the Gilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.
Indigo: I'm going to do him left-handed.
Vivaldi: YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN!
Indigo: Is is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly.
Vivaldi: Oh, have it your way.
Fezzwik: You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
Vivaldi: I'M WAITING!
[Scene 6 Halfway up a hill, nearby boulders. Vivaldi sees theblack figure of a Pirate moving towards them]
Vivaldi: INCONCEIVABLE! Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly.
Fezzwik: What do I do?
Vivaldi: FINISH HIM, FINISH HIM! YOUR WAY!
Fezzwik: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Vivaldi. [Fezzwik pauses, thinking] Which way's my way?
Vivaldi: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder. In a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!!
Fezzwik: My way's not very sportsmanlike. [Pirate approaches the boulders, then slows down. A rock disintegrates itself just in front of him]
Fezzwik: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.
Dreaded Pirate: I believe you. [pause] So what happens now?
Fezzwik: We face each other as God intended...sportmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Dreaded Pirate: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down
my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzwik: I could kill you now.
Dreaded Pirate: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Fezzwik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. [Pirate puts down the sword, and begins to pummel, to no effect]
Dreaded Pirate: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Fezzwik: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for
people to die embarrassed. [Pirate dodges swipes from Fezzwik] You're quick.
Dreaded Pirate: And a good thing, too.
Fezzwik: Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that?
Dreaded Pirate: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future.
Fezzwik: I just figured why you give me so much trouble.
Dreaded Pirate: Why's that, do you think?
Fezzwik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for charities, that kind of thing.
Dreaded Pirate: Why should that make such a < strained > difference?
Fezzwik: Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about ... one. [Fezzwik drops unconscious to the ground]
Dreaded Pirate: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you
awake. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women.
[Scene 7]
The Ruins. Humphrey is looking at the scuff marks on the ground Mounted soldiers and Lord Lurias are present]
Humphrey:There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters.
Lord Lurias:Who won? How did it end?
Humphrey:The loser... ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints... toward Gilder.
Lord Lurias:Shall we track them both?
Humphrey:The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Gilder. We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.
Lord Lurias:Could this be a trap?
Humphrey:I always think everything could be a trap. Why I'm still alive.
[Scene 8]
Along a hilltop
Dreaded Pirate: Catch your breath.
Blossom: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom, you'll get it, I promise you.
Dreaded Pirate: < laughs > And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, Highness.
Blossom: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Prince Humphrey. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
Dreaded Pirate: You think your dearest love will save you?
Blossom: I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me.
Dreaded Pirate: You admit to me that you do not love your fiance.
Blossom: He knows I do not love him.
Dreaded Pirate: Are not capable of love is what you mean.
Blossom: I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream.
Dreaded Pirate: < almost slaps her > That was a warning, Highness. The next time my hand flies on its own, for where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies.
Dreaded Pirate: Rest, Highness.
Blossom: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dreaded Pirate, admit it!
Dreaded Pirate: < bowing > With pride. What can I do for you?
Blossom: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
Dreaded Pirate: Tsk-tsk-tsk. Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why
loose your venom on me?
Blossom: You killed my love.
Dreaded Pirate: It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this
love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby?
Blossom: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the Dreaded Pirate never
takes prisoners.
Dreaded Pirate: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word
leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you and it's nothing but work, work, work all the time.
Blossom: You mock my pain!
Dreaded Pirate: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. [pause] I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
Blossom: Nothing you can say will upset me.
Dreaded Pirate: He died well. That should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please... please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him here. "True Love", he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.
Blossom: And what am I?
Dreaded Pirate: Faithfulness he talked of, madame, your enduring fathfulness. Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?
Blossom: You mocked me once. Never do it again! I died that
day! [pause] And you can die too for all I care! [Blossom pushes Pirate down the hill]
Dreaded Pirate: < rolling > As... you... wish!!
Blossom: Oh my sweet Xender, what have I done? [Blossom jumps down the hill, rolling after him]
=== [Scene 9 Gully.] === Pirate lost his mask on the roll down.]
Xender: Can you move at all?
Blossom: Move? You're alive! If you want I can fly.
Xender: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't
you wait for me?
2
Blossom: Well, you were dead.
Xender: Death cannot stop True Love. All it can do is delay
it for a while.
Blossom: I will never doubt again.
Xender: [quietly] There will never be a need. < they kiss >
[Scene 10]
Ravine floor. Ahead looms the dark of the Fire Swamp]
Xender: Ha! Your pig fiance is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp.
Blossom: We'll never survive.
Xender: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever
Has!
[Scene 11]
Inside the Fire Swamp]
Xender: It's not that bad. [pause] Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely. [they walk] [There is a series of thumping sounds approaching Blossom. A Flame Spout appears beside her]
Blossom: < screams > [Her gown catches fire. Xender smothers it]
Xender: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were
you?
Blossom: < shakes head > You?
Xender: < shakes head > Well, one thing I will say. The fire swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory. ---Pirate' ship Revenge, and I came at the far end. And I, as you know, am Pirate.
Blossom: But how is that possible, since he's been maurauding twenty years, and you only left me five years ago?
Xender: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Pirate, as did my
descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Pirate decided something. He said, "All right Xender, I've never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll
most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night Xender. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It
was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Pirate and I eventually became friends. And then it
happened.
Blossom: What? Go on.
Xender: Well, Pirate had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin, and told me his secret. "I am not the Dreaded Pirate", he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the previous Dreaded Pirate, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dreaded Pirate either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Pirate has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Thank you. Then he explained that the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the dread pirate Xender. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me Pirate. Once the crew believed, he left the ship, and I have been Pirate ever since. Except now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?
Blossom: < doubtfully nods head > [She steps into a patch of Lightning Sand, and
promptly disappears]
Xender: [Xender cuts a vine, and dives in after her]
Blossom and Xender: < gasp!! cough!!! >
Blossom: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
Xender: No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
Blossom: Xender, what about the R.O.U.S's?
Xender: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist. [A large R.O.U.S appears and pounces on Xender] Aarrggghhh!!!
Blossom: Xender!!
Xender: Arr! Aarrrggghhh!! [Fight/Wrestling - Xender vs. R.O.U.S. Flame Spurt
appears, igniting the fur of the rodent. Xender stabs it]
Rodent: Brawr rawr rawr! Arouw!
[Scene 12 Outside the Fire Swamp, in a lightly wooded area]
Blossom: We did it.
Xender: Now, was that so terrible?
Humphrey:Surrender!
Xender: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I
accept.
Humphrey:I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.
Xender: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
Humphrey:I tell you once again, surrender!
Xender: It will not happen.
Humphrey:For the last time, surrender!
Xender: Death first!!
Blossom: Will you promise not to hurt him?
Humphrey:What was that?
Xender: What was that?
Blossom: If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?
Humphrey:May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.
Blossom: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship.
Humphrey:I swear it will be done. Once we're out of sight, take him back to Amusa and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
Lord Lurias:I swear it will be done.
Blossom: < to Xender > I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed
me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.
Lord Lurias:< to Xender > Come, sir, we must get you to your ship. [pause]
Xender: We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
Lord Lurias:Well spoken, sir. [Xender notices Lurias's hand] What is it?
Xender: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was
looking for you. [Lurias knocks Xender cold]
[Scene 13]
Humphrey’s Office]
Wise One:"It was ten days till the wedding. The king still lived, but Blossom's nightmares were growing steadily worse."
Ignorant One: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humphrey?
Wise One:Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.
Blossom: If it comes to this. I love Xender. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.
Humphrey:I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. < to Lurias > You, uh, returned this Xender to his ship?
Lord Lurias:Yes.
Humphrey:Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.
Blossom: My Xender will always come for me.
Humphrey:I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dreaded Pirate is always close
to Amusa this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Xender wants you, bless you both. If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?
Blossom: < nods head > [Blossom leaves. Segue to forest scene.]
Lord Lurias:< later > Your princess is really quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.
Humphrey:Oh, I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vivaldi to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Gilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war.
[Scene 14]
Pit of Despair]
Lord Lurias:Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. [Lurias moves a lever from zero to one. Water starts flowing, powering the machine. Wesley writhes in pain.] As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?
Xender: < whimpers >
Lord Lurias:Interesting.
[Scene 15]
Humphrey's Office]
Padlock: Ahem!
Humphrey:Padlock.
Padlock: Sire.
Humphrey:[motions Padlock to join him] As chief enforcer of all Amusa, I trust you with this secret: killers from Gilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.
Padlock: My spy network has heard no such news. [Blossom appears at the door]
Blossom: Any word from Xender?
Humphrey:Too soon, my angel. Patience.
Blossom: He will come for me.
Humphrey:Of course. < to Padlock > She will not be murdered. On the day of
the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested.
Padlock: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.
Humphrey:FORM A BRUTE SQUAD, then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.
Padlock: It won't be easy, sire.
Humphrey:Try ruling the world sometime.
[Scene 16]
Thieve's Forest. Brute Squad moving in and about huts]
Wise One:"The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Humphrey's orders."
Padlock: Is everybody out?
Assistant Brute: Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.
Padlock: Well you give him some trouble. Move.
Indigo: I am waiting for you, Vivaldi. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I will stay. I will not be moved.
Assistant Brute: Ho there!
Indigo: I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there".
Assistant Brute: But the prince gave orders.
Indigo: So did Vivaldi. When the job went wrong he went back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying till Vivaldi come. [Indigo swipes at Assitant with sword]
Assistant Brute: You, brute, come here! [Fezzwik comes over]
Indigo: I am waiting for Vivaldi.
Fezzwik: You surely are a meanie. Hello.
Indigo: It's you.
Fezzwik: Who? You don't look so good.
Indigo: Phbphbphbphbphbphbphbphbt!
Fezzwik: You don't smell so good either.
Indigo: Perhaps no. I feel fine.
Fezzwik: Yeah?
[Scene 17]
Inside somewhere.]
Wise One:"Fezzwik and Indigo were reunited. And as Fezzwik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Indigo of Vivaldi's death and the existence of Count Lurias, the six-fingered man. Considering Indigo's
lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well. [Indigo falls head first into a bowl of food] Fezzwik took great care in reviving Indigo." [Fezzwik dunks Indigo's head into two buckets in turn]
Indigo: That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Lurias now, so I may kill him?
Fezzwik: He's with the prince, in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.
Indigo: How many could you handle?
Fezzwik: [Counts on fingers] I don't think more than ten.
Indigo: Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Vivaldi to plan. I have no gift for strategy.
Fezzwik: But Vivaldi's dead.
Indigo: No, not Vivaldi. I need the man in black.
Fezzwik: What?
Indigo: Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vivaldi. And a man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day. Let's go.
Fezzwik: Where?
Indigo: To find the man in black, obviously.
Fezzwik: But we don't know where he is!
Indigo: Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at
last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!
=== [Scene 18 ] === office. Padlock enters.]
Humphrey:Rise and report.
Padlock: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate.
Humphrey:Double it. My princess must be safe.
Padlock: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.
Humphrey:Ahhh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Amusa channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Blossom: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [pause] Every ship but the four you sent.
Humphrey:Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four.
Padlock: Ahem. Your majesty.
Blossom: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter. Xender will come for me anyway.
Humphrey:You're a silly girl.
Blossom: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
Humphrey:I would not say such things if I were you.
Blossom: Why not? You can't hurt me. Xender and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.
Humphrey:I would not say such things if I were you!
[Scene 19]
Village road.]
Indigo: Fezzwik! Fezzwik! Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Lurias slaughtered my father. The man in black makes it now.
Fezzwik: The man in black?
Indigo: His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has the cause for ultimate suffering? [They start moving through a crowd] Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Fezzwik, please. [Fezzwik stands up straight]
Fezzwik: Everybody MOVE!!! [the crowd parts]
Indigo: Thank you.
[Scene 20]
Outside entrance to Pit of Despair. The two have stopped
the Albino, who is pushing a wheelbarrow]
Indigo: Where is the man in black? You get that from this grove, yes? Fezzwik, jog his memory.
Fezzwik: < bonks Albino and leaves him out cold > I'm sorry, Indigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Indigo? [Indigo draws his sword]
Indigo: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please, guide my sword. [Indigo stumbles around, led by the sword. The sword hits a tree. Indigo leans against the tree, pressing the hidden knot]
[Scene 21]
Much later. Atop a battlement overlooking the gate.]
Fezzwik: Indigo, there's more than thirty!
Indigo: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force-feed him.
Fezzwik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Indigo: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
Fezzwik: How long do we have to wait, before if we know the miracle works?
Indigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
Xender: I'll beat you two apart! I'll take you both together!
Fezzwik: I guess not very long.
Xender: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzwik: You've been mostly dead all day.
Indigo: We had Retired Max make a pill to bring you back.
Xender: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Blossom?
Indigo: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Blossom is marry Humphrey in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill Lord Lurias.
Xender: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.
Fezzwik: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
Xender: I've always been a quick healer. What are our
liabilities?
Indigo: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by sixty men.
Xender: And our assets?
Indigo: Your brains, Fezzwik's strength, my steel.
Xender: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something, but this...< shakes head >
Fezzwik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
Xender: My brains, your strength, and his steel against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmmm? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Indigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?
Fezzwik: With the albino, I think.
Xender: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
Indigo: There we cannot help you.
Fezzwik: Would this do?
Indigo: Where did you get that?
Fezzwik: At Retired Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Xender: All right, all right. Come on, help me up. Now I'll need a sword eventually.
Indigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
Xender: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
Indigo: I'll say. Namely, how do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?
Fezzwik: Don't pester him. He's had a hard day.
Indigo: Right. Right. Sorry.
Fezzwik: Indigo?
Indigo: What?
Fezzwik: I hope we win.
Humphrey:You don't seem excited, my little muffet.
Blossom: Should I be?
Humphrey:Brides often are, I'm told.
Blossom: I do not marry tonight. My Xender will save me.
[Scene 22]
chapel]
Impressive Clergyman: Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within
a dweam.
Voice: [distant] Stand your ground, men, stand your ground!
[Scene 23]
outside the castle gate] Stand your ground!
Fezzwik: I am the Dreaded Pirate! There will be no
survivors!
Indigo: Now?
Xender: Not yet.
Fezzwik: Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be here.
Indigo: Now?
Xender: Light him.
Fezzwik: The Dreaded Pirate takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true! [chapel]
Impressive Clergyman: And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah--
Fezzwik: The Dreaded Pirate is here for your souls!
Voice: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are! [chapel]
Impressive Clergyman: So tweasuwe youw wove, --
Humphrey:Skip to the end.
Clergyman: Have you the wing?
Blossom: Here comes my Xender now. [outside]
Xender: Fezzwik, the portcullis! [chapel]
Humphrey:Your Xender is dead. I killed him myself.
Blossom: Then why is there fear behind your eyes? [outside]
Xender: Give us the gate key.
Padlock: I have no gate key.
Indigo: Fezzwik, tear his arms off.
Padlock: Oh, you mean this gate key. [chapel]
Impressive Clergyman: And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup,--
Humphrey:Man and wife! Say man and wife!!
Impressive Clergyman: Man and wife.
Humphrey:Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
Blossom: He didn't come. [castle corridor]
Lord Lurias:Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning.
Indigo: Hello. My name is Indigo Toyota. You killed my father. Prepare to die. < Lurias runs away behind a locked door > Fezzwik!!!!!! I need you!!!!!
Fezzwik: I can't leave him alone.
Indigo: He's getting away from me, Fezzwik!!! Please!!! Arr!!! Fezzwik!!! Aaargh!!
Fezzwik: I'll be right back.
Indigo: Arr! Arrgh!< Fezzwik breaks door down > Thank you. [a different corridor]
King: Strange wedding.
Queen: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along.
King: < Blossom kisses him > What was that for?
Blossom: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
King: Won't that be nice? She kissed me! < laughs > [castle stairway to cellar dining room]
Indigo: Sorry, father. I tried. I tried.
Lord Lurias:You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous. [honeymoon suite]
Xender: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours.
Blossom: Xender! Oh, Xender darling! Xender, why won't you hold me?
Xender: Gently.
Blossom: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say, "gently"?
Xender: Gently! < thumps head > Urr! [downstairs]
Lord Lurias:Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday.
Indigo: Hello. My name is Indigo Toyota. You killed my
father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Indigo Toyota. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.
Lord Lurias:Stop saying that!
Indigo: Hello. My name is Indigo Toyota. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Lord Lurias: No!
Indigo: Offer me money!
Lord Lurias: Yes!
Indigo: Power, too. Promise me that!
Lord Lurias:All that I have and more! Please!
Indigo: Offer me everything I ask for!
Lord Lurias:Anything you want.
Indigo: I want my father back, you son of a bitch. < kills him > [honeymoon suite]
Blossom: Oh, Xender, will you ever forgive me?
Xender: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
Blossom: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Xender: Never happened.
Blossom: What?
Xender: Never happened.
Blossom: But it did. I was there. This old man said "man and wife".
Xender: Did you say "I do"?
Blossom: Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part.
Xender: Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?
Humphrey:A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death.
Xender: No! To the pain.
Humphrey:I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Xender: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
Humphrey:That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Xender: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your
nose.
Humphrey:And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Xender: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will
be your left eye, followed by your right.
Humphrey: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with
it.
Xender: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, ever woman who cries out "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery for ever.
Humphrey:I think you're bluffing.
Xender: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. < he stands up > Drop... your... sword. < Humphrey drops it > Have a seat. Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.
Humphrey: Urr!
Indigo: Where's Fezzwik?
Xender: I thought he was with you.
Indigo: No.
Xender: In that case, whooooa!
Indigo: Help him.
Blossom: Why does Xender need helping?
Indigo: Because he has no strength.
Humphrey:I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he
was... bluffing.
Indigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?
Xender: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him
to live a long life alone with his cowardice.
Fezzwik: Indigo! Indigo! Where are you? Oh, there you are. Indigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady! So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did.
Indigo: Fezzwik, you did something right.
Fezzwik: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.
Indigo: You know, It's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Xender: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dreaded Pirate. [bedroom]
Wise One:"They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Xender and Blossom knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. [pause as Blossom and Xender kiss] The End. “
